In the midst of an online workshop on happiness, I came to the gratitude slide, and asked the Zooming participants for their reactions. One person, a school psychologist, said, “I hate gratitude. I’m sick and tired of gratitude. Everybody talks about gratitude and how we all should be doing it. It just feels fake and trite to me.”  

Being aware of the futility of trying to convince anyone of anything, I listened, reflected and validated her concerns, “Yes, gratitude can feel very trite, and it sounds like you pretty much hate it.” Then I kept on rolling.  

A few minutes later, I asked for someone to volunteer to engage with me in a live “gratitude experience.” About 40 checkerboard faces were on my screen. Who volunteered? Of course, the woman who was “sick and tired of gratitude” spoke up quickly, “I’ll do it.” 

It felt like a set-up for my gratitude demonstration to fail. But I’m a professional . . . and so I forged onward, encouraging her to think of someone specific—past or present—toward whom she felt gratitude. She cooperated. I nudged her to go a bit deeper, “What do you think it is, in particular, that makes you feel grateful to this person. Tell me the details.” She paused, responded, there was a sparkle of emotion, which I noticed and reflected back to her. In the end, she commented, “That was cool. Maybe I don’t really hate gratitude. Maybe I just hate superficial gratitude.”  

For me, this is a great example of the difference of thinking about gratitude vs. taking the time to feel about gratitude. Like everything, if we brush past gratitude like a stranger on the street, it can feel meaningless and trite. And then if people keep telling us we “should” do it because it has all these “benefits” we might become even more entrenched in our dislike of gratitude. 

As with all things related to positive psychology, don’t do this as an obligation. Intentionality and choosing to engage in a gratitude practice are foundational. Although random experiences of gratitude are fine, intentionally making the space and time to feel grateful is substantially better.  

This week, your gratitude activity is part contemplation, part writing, and part action. Use the following steps: 

1. Identify someone toward whom you feel or have felt appreciation and gratitude. You may have plenty of options. It’s likely a good idea to choose someone toward whom you believe you haven’t yet expressed enough gratitude. 

2. Write a gratitude note to that person. Include in the note why you feel gratitude toward to the person. Include specifics as needed, as well as words that best express your sincere heartfelt feelings toward the person. 

3. Find a way to express your feelings directly to your gratitude target. You can read the note in person, over the phone, or send it in whatever way you find best.  

Your goal is to express your gratitude. What that means is that you need to drop expectations for how the recipient of your gratitude should or will respond. Don’t focus on their response, instead, focus on doing the best job you can expressing the gratitude that you sincerely feel. 

If the person loves hearing about your gratitude, cool. If the person is uncomfortable or not positive or silent, that’s okay. Your goal should be within your control—meaning that all you can control is your end of the communication and not how the communication is received.    

If you feel moved to do so, please share your experiences on social media. Tell the world (and us), (a) what it was like to write the gratitude message, (b) what it was like to deliver it, and (c) how it felt to express your gratitude. Feel free to repeat this gratitude experiment a second or third time.  

There are many other ways to approach gratitude practice. We’ll be sending out additional ideas and variations on gratitude this week. . . so stay tuned! 

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https://johnsommersflanagan.com/  

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Dr. John Sommers-Flanagan, University of Montana