Three-Step Emotional Change Trick

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Almost no one likes toxic positivity. . . which is why I want to emphasize from the start, this week’s activity is NOT toxic positivity. 

Back in the 1990s I was in full-time private practice and mostly I got young client referrals. When they entered my office, nearly all the youth were in bad moods. They were unhappy, sad, anxious, angry, and usually unpleasantly irritable. Early on I realized I had to do something to help them change their moods.  

An Adlerian psychologist, Harold Mosak, had researched the emotional pushbutton technique. I turned it into a simple, three-step emotional change technique to help young clients deal with their bad moods. I liked the technique so well that I did it in my office, with myself, with parents, during professional workshops, and with classrooms full of elementary, middle, and high school students. Mostly it worked. Sometimes it didn’t.  

This week, your assignment is to apply the three-step emotional change trick to yourself and your life. Here’s how it goes. 

Introduction 

Bad moods are normal. I would ask young clients, “Have you ever been in a bad mood?” All the kids nodded, flipped me off, or said things like, “No duh.”  

Then I’d ask, “Have you ever had somebody tell you to cheer up?” Everyone said, “Yes!” and told me how much they hated being told to cheer up. I would agree and commiserate with them on how ridiculous it was for anyone to ever think that saying “Cheer up” would do anything but piss the person off even more. I’d say, “I’ll never tell you to cheer up.* If you’re in a bad mood, I figure you’ve got a good reason to be in a bad mood, and so I’ll just respect your mood.” [*Note to Therapists: This might be the single-most important therapeutic statement in this whole process.] 

Then I’d ask. “Have you ever been stuck in a bad mood and have it last longer than you wanted it to?” 

Nearly always there was a head nod; I’d join in and admit to the same. “Damn those bad moods. Sometimes they last and last and hang around way longer than they need to. How about I teach you this thing I call the three-step emotional change trick. It’s a way to change your mood, but only when YOU want to change your mood. You get to be the captain of your own emotional ship.” 

Emotions are universally challenging. I think that’s why I never had a client refuse to let me teach the three-steps. And that’s why I’m sharing it with you now. 

Step one is to feel the feeling. Feelings come around for a reason. We need to notice them, feel them, and contemplate their meaning. The big questions here are: How can you honor and feel your feelings? What can you do to respect your own feelings and listen to the underlying message? I’ve heard many answers. Here are a few. But you can generate your own list. 

  • Frowning or crying if you feel sad 

  • Grimacing and making angry faces into a mirror if you feel angry 

  • Drawing an angry picture 

  • Punching or kicking a pillow (no real violence though) 

  • Going outside and yelling (or screaming into a pillow) 

  • Scribbling on a note pad  

  • Writing a nasty note to someone (but not delivering it) 

  • Using your words, and talking to someone about what you’re feeling 

Step two is to think a new thought or do something different. This step is all about intentionally doing or thinking something that might change or improve you mood. The big question here is: What can you think or do that will put you in a better mood? 

I discovered that kids and adults have amazing mood-changing strategies. Here’s a sampling: 

  • Tell a funny story (“Yesterday in math, my friend Todd farted”) 

  • Tell a joke (What do you call it when 100 rabbits standing in a row all take one step backwards? A receding hare-line). 

  • Tell a better joke (Why did the ant crawl up the elephant’s leg for the second time? It got pissed off the first time.) 

  • Exercise! 

  • Smile into a mirror 

  • Talk to someone you trust 

  • Put a cat (or a chicken or a duck) on your head 

  • Chew a big wad of gum 

I’m sure you get the idea. You know best what might put you in a good mood. When you’re ready, but not before, use your own self-knowledge to move into a better mood. 

Step three is to spread the good mood. Moods are contagious. I’d say things like this to my clients: 

“Emotions are contagious. Do you know what contagious means? It means you can catch emotions from being around other people who are in bad moods or good moods. Like when you got here. I noticed your mom was in a bad mood too. It made me wonder, did you catch the bad mood from her or did she catch it from you? Anyway, now you seem to be in a better mood. I’m wondering. Do you think you can make your mom “catch” your good mood?” 

How do you share good moods? Saying “Cheer up” is off-limits. Here’s a short list of what I’ve heard from kids and adults. 

  • Do someone a favor 

  • Smile 

  • Hold the door for a stranger 

  • Offer a real or virtual hug 

  • Listen to someone 

  • Tell someone, “I love you”  

Step four might be the best and most important step in the three-step emotional change trick. With kids, when I move on to step four, they always interrupt: 

“Wait. You said there were only three steps!” 

“Yes. That’s true. But because emotions are complicated and surprising, the three-step emotional change trick has four steps. The fourth step is for you to teach someone else the three steps.” 

Here’s a youtube link to me doing the 3SECT: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ITWhMYANC5c  

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Dr. John Sommers-Flanagan, University of Montana